i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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