I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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