And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
being pregnant is like rehab
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
