new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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