I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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