Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
