I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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