you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
