I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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