apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
