By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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