Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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