i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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