smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
