I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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