her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize