I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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