Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
