Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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