I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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