my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
