someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
