Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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