for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
