I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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