My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
