What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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