My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
