If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
