mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he puts the penis in happiness.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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