There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
