Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
