if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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