apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
