I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
They took my balls.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
