I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
