Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
