I puked a lego.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
