Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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