my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Randomize
