I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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