I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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