my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
