Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
