Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
