I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
