It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
