I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
