I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize