best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
