Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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