1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
