insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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