you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
